My story? Please help!?
Punkin
,
Saturday, 7th of August 2010 10:51:48 AM
Mausoleum Mystery “I’m going trick-or-treating. Be back later!” Punkin The girl stepped out of the front door into the dark night. It’s SO Registered User easy!She thought as she shut the door. Her parents were never suspicious. Joined: Friday, 4th of June 2010, 19:54:01 Never once had they questioned her whereabouts. She was a master of Posts: 302 deceit. Lying, or as she liked to call it, distortion of the truth, had Viewed 5174 times never been a challenge for her.
She walked down the sidewalk
outlining the neighborhood of suburban homes. Every house was the same.
Each a tall, brick structure surrounded by a rather large lawn and a tall,
black, steel gate enclosing the property. A chill ran down her spine. She
pulled her black cape tighter around her body. It’s sleek material
glistened in the moonlight. The white paint covering her face cracked as
she squinted her eyes, shielding them from the cold.
After a few
blocks she arrived at the cemetery. She took note of her friends gathered
under a large tree at the far edge of the cemetery.
They hadn’t
seen her. Quietly, she unlatched the white picket fence surrounding the
vast area of tombstones and statues. As she pushed the gate open a creek
rang throughout the area. She cringed, but her friends still looked
clueless of her presence. It wasn’t as loud as she thought. She stepped
inside, trying to avoid heaps of leaves scattered throughout the cemetery.
Creeping behind the tree her friends were under, a leaf crunched under her
foot. She held her breath. She let out a blood curdling scream. Her
friends gasped, and turned around. She jumped out at them, laughing as
they darted away frantically.
''You’re a jerk, Emily!!” One of
them said when they realized it was her. “And you’re late, too!” The
others nodded in agreement.
“The looks on your faces were
priceless!” Emily laughed.
“You were supposed to be here
earlier, when it wasn’t so dark!”
“Ethan, Ethan, Ethan.” She
shook her head at him. “What’s wrong with having a little fun? You
always have been one to complain.” She smiled, still laughing. Ethan was
always the most serious of the group. The other two, Jacky and Tommy,
tended to be more easy-going. The posse had all been friends since first
grade. Now they were in eighth grade, and Ethan had decided they were too
old to go trick-or-treating. He suggested they go to the town cemetery.
“Whatever.” Ethan rolled his eyes “So how did you guys escape
your parents?”
“l told them l was going trick-or-treating and
meeting you all at Tommy’s house.” Emily said a sly grin on her face.
“We lied too.” Jacky said. Tommy was her step brother. />“That makes four of us.” Ethan replied.
“Okay guys, its
Halloween and l don’t wanna stand under a tree the whole night. Let’s
make this interesting.” Tommy said a hint of excitement in his voice.
“Ethan, truth or dare?”
“Dare!”
They felt sorry for
Ethan already. Tommy was as devious as the devil when he wanted to be. />“See the mausoleum?” Tommy pointed across endless shadows to a stone
shed directly in the center of the cemetery. “Go in it. For… five
minutes. You can’t scream.”
Everyone gasped. Wry smiles covered
their faces.
“No way, man! Are you crazy?” Ethan refused. />“Someone has to do it!” Jacky said excitedly.
“Why don’t
you, Jacky?”
“The zombies will kill me! Tommy, you go.”/>“Not in a million years.” Tommy replied plainly. “If no one goes,
this Halloween will be a waist of time. You guys are so boring.”/>“You forgot about someone.” Emily spoke in a determined voice.
“I’ll do it.”
Smiles crossed the faces of the friends once
again. They stared at Emily as she stepped away from the group. The
mausoleums stones were placed evenly along its outside walls. As she came
closer, she noticed that the door had elaborate patterns etched into it.
She was almost sure the doors would be locked, which was why she took the
dare in the first place. Standing in front of the door, she became aware
that the glow of the moon had grown very faint. The air became
increasingly chilly.
Emily reached for the knob. It was shockingly
cold. A look down at her hand revealed it was made of crystal. Her hand
turned, and she pushed the door forward. She gasped. It opened. As she
began to step inside, she had an idea. Ducking down, she slammed the door
from the outside and crawled to the side of the Mausoleum.
“She
did it! She went in!” Tommy shouted from the distance. Emily chuckled
from her hiding spot.
“Let’s go over there and keep time.”
Jacky suggested. They walked over to the mausoleum.
After waiting
five minutes, they called for her to come out. When no one came, the
friends became suspicious.
“Let’s go in and find her! What if
she passed out?” Ethan looked frightened.
“Okay… but you go
first.” Tommy followed him, Jacky behind. They entered the building. />Emily waited a while, and finally got up. She snuck into the mausoleum.
It was pitch black.
“Hello?” she said quietly. They had been in
there almost fifteen minutes. She couldn’t have missed them exiting. />Thump. Thump. Thump. Footsteps echoed through the space. She turned
around. Biting her lip, she tried not to scream.
The room was
suddenly illuminated. How, she did not now. She saw three bodies standing
in front of her. She knew they must be her friends, but there was
something she didn’t recognize about them. It’s their hair! She
realized. It was as white as snow. And their eyes!Their eyes were an
endless abyss of black. She stared at Ethan, or who used to be Ethan. She
stared into his eyes.
They were like an endless black abyss. />Emily’s eyes widened as they walked toward her.
“Come on! It
was just a joke!” Her voice cracked. She backed into a corner. There was
no escape.
Is it okay? l know the ending is terrible, but it could
only be 1,000 words. It is properly paragraphed and stuff but when l
copied it of word it got a little messed up. This is for a contest, so
should l keep that one or just start a new one? Please help!
Lol,
sorry about the length. But it only took me a couple minutes to read... Do
not answer if you dont want too, but if you feel like being a good person,
l need help!!
domino
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Sunday, 8th of August 2010 03:01:16 AM
I really enjoyed this!!!!!! Everything sounds great to me. Have domino you written the ending yet? If you write more to this story, please email Registered User me the rest of it, it was really good. Joined: Tuesday, 18th of May 2010, 01:51:02 Posts: 443 Viewed 13687 times
Sir.Sexyness
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Monday, 9th of August 2010 07:23:57 PM
You had me interested from the beginning and I read Sir.Sexyness the whole thing. Your an amazing writer no doubt that Registered User I wouldn't pick up one of your books in the nearby future. Joined: Sunday, 30th of May 2010, 12:37:29 Posts: 690 Your Terrific. ''I loved it.'' Oh please write more lol Viewed 16835 times what happened?
-MarisoL :]
TuTu
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Tuesday, 10th of August 2010 08:01:06 AM
Leave the ending exactly as it is with ''She stared into his TuTu eyes.'' as the last line. It is very good & if you keep tweaking it you Registered User are only going to drive yourself nuts or possibly screw it up. Put it away Joined: Friday, 23rd of April 2010, 16:05:57 for an afternoon if you have time & read it again later. If I were you I'd Posts: 1494 change the title to simply ''Mausoleum,'' having ''mystery'' in there too Viewed 8117 times makes it sound a little ''scooby & the gang'' & I don't think that is what
you're going for.
I am betting you get second place or better!
Mooey
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Wednesday, 11th of August 2010 12:22:25 PM
Cliche but amusing! No, it wasn't too long- I read quickly. The Mooey detail there is fine; there is no need to reduce it. Registered User Joined: Tuesday, 4th of May 2010, 05:33:19 It only needs a little bit of editing here & there. And I think in like Posts: 1918 the fourteenth sentence you meant ''its not ''it's.'' In ur sentence, Viewed 19019 times ''She saw three bodies in front of her,'' you could change ''bodies'' to
''people.'' Also, you might want to elaborate a little more on Emily
finding her friends (the ending, that is) to send chills down ur audience
is spines.
Good luck with the contest & have an eerie Halloween!
Mo Bo
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Thursday, 12th of August 2010 09:45:47 AM
I think that its great! It got me so scared! Youre a good Mo Bo writer. Registered User Joined: Monday, 17th of May 2010, 21:43:49 Posts: 1809 Viewed 7343 times
Caseydoll
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Friday, 13th of August 2010 03:36:36 PM
Hey..that was pretty good.but yeah maybe shorten up the details Caseydoll and make a better ending.but i liked it. Registered User Joined: Tuesday, 20th of April 2010, 12:17:36 Posts: 1989 Viewed 3564 times
Mookie
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Saturday, 14th of August 2010 11:43:05 PM
thats alot to read but it was pretty good i liked it Mookie Registered User Joined: Thursday, 27th of May 2010, 01:41:00 Posts: 1898 Viewed 18450 times
boyfiie
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Sunday, 15th of August 2010 06:15:40 PM
i read it and thought it was really good.. but maybe you could boyfiie shorten some of the details and make a better ending. good story though! Registered User Joined: Tuesday, 27th of April 2010, 14:44:44 Posts: 975 Viewed 12764 times
Old Man
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Monday, 16th of August 2010 05:22:28 PM
i am not answering that that is way too long to read. Old Man Registered User Joined: Friday, 21st of May 2010, 10:51:28 Posts: 1586 Viewed 10381 times
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